Meaning, “I love you.”

Take, “I love you”. Why is it that I feel I have to say it, otherwise there is a lingering doubt about its existence? I never bring myself to say it and so worry that I don’t love. (Why worry?)

Saying it involves a commitment to something, it’s like signing a contract.

A commitment to what? My fear is losing myself, of handing myself over. I feel that by saying this, I am giving myself to someone. I am signing a contract which says, I belong to you, and there’s no going back.

When someone says to me, “I love you” I feel like they are making a claim to have some part of me, sometimes simply bugging me like a fly, other times attaching themselves to me like a leech.

On another occasion, they are touching me, and join me, because they are moved to touch me by something in them and for them and I feel better for it, and… love seems to be the word.

Taken “in itself”, “I love you” is secretive of its meaning. You can’t understand what it means directly. It can’t ever be fully said, but “almost said”, like tress coming into leaf. You can only report on its effects, but this leaves a lingering doubt about its existence, which is disquieting.

On the other hand, if I can’t be sure of its existence, I can’t say it in any way but a way which is disquitening.

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